25 June 2004


What is it with old ladies in big luxury cars? Do you EVER look in your fucking rearview mirror? Jesus H. Christ, if there's NO ONE in front of you for miles and a HUNDRED cars behind you all stacked up, can you maybe get the hint you're going too fucking SLOW?

I'm sorry, I know old folks have to get around, it's starkly obvious here on Long Island, but there has to be a point where a competency test is in order. My-fucking-God, these people have these big fat Lincolns and Caddys and they're losing their grip. I saw one this afternoon throw her land yacht across three lanes of traffic without looking, just to get into TJ-fucking-Maxx. Thank the lord all of us around her had fairly new cars with anti-lock brakes and we could get slowed down before she collected us with her fucking Town Car. Horns blowing, cars swerving, and she's the blissful idiot, listening to Mozart, staring straight ahead at her destination. Oy, gevult!

I had the same problem with my mom, rest her soul. She was a stubborn old German artillery horse (and I say that with love), and it took her blowing the nose off her big ol' Buick (and me refusing to get it fixed), before she'd put down the keys. For six months she would nag me to 'either fix it or get me a new car', and I'd refuse. Finally, when I was just about to break down (did I mention my mom was stubborn), she decided that she'd been out from behind the wheel too long. That and she'd made friends with all the bus drivers.

In all seriousness though, something's gotta be done, for the sake of grandma and grandpa (thankfully, no one was hurt when my mom threw her car into traffic), and for the rest of us happy idiots who are trying to stay alive. There are enough young and middle-aged morons (myself included) to watch out for. What I guess I'm saying is that at a certain age, yearly road tests should be mandatory. Every two years maybe. The problem is, doing it without destroying our elders' dignity. I guess stark honesty is best.

Hey, grandpa. You're fucking deaf and blind and you think your dick is a microphone. How about we see how you drive that car before we renew your license?

Well, maybe not, but you get the idea. Something's gotta be done.

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