24 May 2005

On The Road Again

Following up on my previous post, I am thrilled shitless to report another unqualified success: Toni's Hawg is wrinklin' the pavement once again!

One thing I've learned in 30+ years of fixing things is: always start in the cheap seats. Here's the rundown on the magic tricks I performed to get this little sucker goin':

1. Installed the correct grade of spark plug.
2. Filled the gas tank with the correct petroil mix
3. Aired up the tires
4. On the theory that you can only do so much to the bike, then you have to work on the rider, I educated her on the correct position of the choke thingie

Since I was leaving on a vacation, I snuck this little jet into her garage and beat feet, leaving her this note:
Offishul Documentation in the case of The Screaming Yellow Zonker aka “Toni’s Hawg”

This moped runs about as well as it’s ever going to. Remember, at 6000 feet it loses about 1/5 of its horsepower. This drops it from about 2hp to 1.6hp. It wouldn’t be as noticeable in a bigger engine.

Truth is, if it were a leaf blower, I'd ask for my money back. In motersickle technical jargon, the thing "don't make enough power to pull a dead whore off a piss-pot". By crawling under the paint, turning my cap around backwards, and giving the beast a merciless caning, I managed to get it up to 27mph on the flat. Trust me, that's spooky fast on that little sneezer, but I'm nothing if not brave in the service of my customers. Mighta got 30 out of it at sea level, but it loads up a little when it's blazin' on the main jet. Trouble is, there ain't much "flat" around here. She has to ride about a mile extra to get to streets the thing will climb to get to our street. She gets to work in two minutes flat, tho', about a mile away.
Make sure the choke is in the up position for runnin’ down the road.

The specification for the gas:oil ratio is 25:1. If you mix your fuel 25 gallons at a time, put in one gallon of good quality two-cycle oil. Otherwise, put 5 ounces of oil (about 2/3 cup) in each gallon. Mix it at home in a gas can as the mixture will be more accurate. Since the tank won’t quite hold a gallon (I’m not going to tell you how I determined that), fill up at gas stations only on long trips (Ha!-ed.). Use 4 gas caps full of oil for each HALF gallon of gas.

I recommend selling this ride and getting an actual small motorcycle, 125cc to 200cc, just because of the hills around here. Getting my lard ass up my driveway required more LPA (Light Pedal Assistance, actual correct term) than I like.

Happy motoring, Ducks

PS: I’ll be back from vacation in about ten days. Make proper arrangements with your banker to settle up!

And settle up she did! Within a half hour of getting home from my trip, she was bangin' on my door with payment. We hadn't discussed price, but I was gonna charge her twenty bucks, and there she stood with a bag with twenty bucks worth of homemade tamales! Square business, I'd say.

Did I mention that she's happier than a pig in shit with all the gas money she's savin'? Not too happy with the last "mechanic" she took it to, tho', who charged her $80 and didn't get it right.

More thrilling tales of mechanical heroism later on, I bet.

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