12 October 2007

Dear Fellow New Yorkers ...

New Jerseyans, Pennsylvanians, and whatever the fuck they call you Connecticut people; all of you who share my daily commute with me.

I'd like to alert you to this little thing we have here on the Isle of Long called rain. You might have seen it; little water droplets that fall from the sky and collect on our roadways? Yes, that. I believe you've experienced it once or twice.

Now, just because we haven't had any in about a month or so doesn't mean the physical properties of water have changed. Swerving wildly and applying brakes suddenly on wet roads causes your car to slide out of control, even with whatever fancy 'roll control' or 'traction control' your car maker built into the motherfucker. Driving like Enzo Ferrari on rain-slicked roads in your Toyota with bald tires and bad brakes ends somewhat inevitably.

Also, be advised this rain stuff won't hurt you if you drive more than 20 mph on an interstate fucking highway. What the fuck is with you people? If you're scared of going a bit too fast in the rain, use the excellent service road (frontage road for you 'other' folks) system for the Long Island Expressway, not the left fucking lane of the highway.

Another point. Rain collects in lower-lying areas of our roadways. At this time of year here in New York (we call it autumn, by the way), the leaves that fall from the trees (those crunchy brown things) clog the drains and these low lying areas fill up quickly. You know this, you live in the neighborhood by the shop, the same places that flooded in the last rain (last month) flooded yesterday.

You see me laughing at my other customers who drive through the lake at the bottom of the Avenue at full speed and destroy their engines or other parts of their cars. You see 'em in my lot waiting for the insurance adjuster to get there and total them. Why the fuck do you have to do the same thing? That 2 month old, 7-series BMW sure was a nice car until you filled it up with water to the dashboard, until the engine sucked in enough water to hydro-lock and make me pick up the internal parts with a broom and snow (that's a whole other post) shovel after they slide off the flatbed with your car.

What the fuck? We get 43 inches of rain a year. Can't you get used to driving in it?

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