Another tough day

Trying to get major work done before I leave for London. I'm crazy and now I gotta get the Mrs. 2 more days and I'm off.

Later.

Shit

It's hot and I'm tired. Typical Monday, mostly shit people broke over the weekend.

"Ma'am, where did these feathers come from?"

Anyway, gotta get the Mrs. She's having a Hell of a lot of fun getting through Penn Station with all these Republicans and cops running around.

Later.

I'm a bum

Had a good time yesterday, but drank far too much. Been a bum all day. I hate hangovers. Work tomorrow, a 4 day week for me, and then off to London on Friday. I'll have my laptop with me and I'm assured I'll have a high speed connection in my hotel toom and on the Queen so I'll post from time to time. Over at The Alternate Brain I'll be blogging on the Brits' perceptions of our elections and the hoopla surrounding them.

Later.

Feel old?

(Beloit, Wis.-AP, August 27, 2004) — They likely did their college searching mostly online and knew from childhood that computers suffer from viruses.

For incoming college freshmen this fall, one-hour photo processing has always been a reality, Cleveland's Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame has always existed and there's always been a cable comedy channel.

Those are some of the findings in Beloit College's latest Mindset List designed to help faculty and staff relate to the latest crop of students - most of whom are about 17 years old and were born in 1986.

Classics Professor Art Robson, who regularly teaches in a First-Year Initiatives program for entering students, edited the list.

He noted that most of the new students were born in the year that the Chernobyl nuclear power plant melted down and the Challenger space shuttle exploded after takeoff.

It was also the time when Clint Eastwood was elected mayor of Carmel, Calif., the Soviets were bogged down for a seventh year of frustration trying to control Afghanistan and the United States was preoccupied with the Iran-Contra scandal.

Yay, Friday!!!

The Mrs. just sent me an email advising it'll be a cerveza night. I'm down with that. Tough week.

NASCAR from Bristol this week. Tomorrow night. Now this is racing. I love short tracks, the bumping, grinding, and trading paint brings me back to the old days, when NASCAR was good. 7:30 tomorrow night on TNT.

Well, that's if we get through Shellhead's wedding tomorrow afternoon without incident. Shellhead works for the shop next door to ours, a good kid. Problem is, he invited all of us. If you've ever been to a wedding (or any other function) with Harry, Indian, and me together, you know what I mean. Dead Ed has other shit to do so he won't be there. The bright side is we'll have adult supervision. Our wives learned long ago not to let us out without a monitor. Safer for all concerned that way. Mrs. Harry, Mrs. Indian, and Mrs. F. will be accompanying us and watching us like hawks. Like they always do, my wife and Mrs. Indian will make sure Indian and I are separated (they sit between us).

That means I have to get a haircut in the morning along with some shoppping the Mrs. has to do. Hey, we're leaving Friday and she has to be prepared. Oy! So Saturday's shot and Sunday . . . probably a hangover day. Wow, I guess I should shave too.

Advice

I talked a customer out of spending $2000 and my boss was good with it. Couldn't take all that money from the guy for all his little piece of shit, 12 year old, Mazda 626 needed to get through inspection. Told him to get rid of it and use the money toward another car. Know what? He'll get another car and bring it to us regularly. We got another customer for life. If your mechanic isn't willing to give it to you straight, find another one.

A word of advice

Don't pull into your local repair shop and blow the horn and keep blowing it until one of us comes out to see what the fuck you want. By the time we get to your window, we won't be in the best of moods. Ask the lady who did that to me today when both Indian and Harry were out and I was there alone. She didn't get shit. Just because you drive some ritzy titzy car and live in some exclusive neighborhood doesn't mean the rest of the world is made up of your niggas. My pants go on one leg at a time, just like yours do. Treat me with respect, and I'll bend over backwards for you. Treat me like your boy and I'll fuck your ass until you choke.

Iraqi soccer

Well they lost to Paraguay, but they gave it a hell of a fight. They can still get a bronze though and I wish them the best. They have nothing to be ashamed of and have brought hope to a place that sorely needs it.

Way to go, boys.

Iraqi soccer

They play tomorrow against Paraguay in the semi-finals. Got my fingers crossed for 'em.

The count

3 batteries
2 alternators
4 tires (1 tire on 4 different cars)
5 'my car is running funny'
15 'can I get it in today and if not, when?'
7 inspections.

Welcome back, boys. BTW, Indian broke 2 ribs catching Mrs. Indian as she fell off a boat on the Chesapeake. He was a sight today. Oy! When are we going to London and do we have to come home?

Ugh

Gotta get my mind into going to work. Two weeks off with vacaiton coming up in two more, my 'give a shit' is out the fucking window. Let alone my 30 mile drive with all the assholes who spent the weekend in the Hamptons and decided to leave this morning, all hung over and tired. Oy!!!

Off to the mines.

Get back to work

Back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks off. Oy, wonder what'll be waiting. Give our customers 2 weeks and they can wreck anything. The bright side is that I work for two weeks and then we head off to London for two. I won't want to know from cars when I get back.

Later.

NASCAR

The boys are at Michigan this week. Better than that yawner at Watkins Glen last week. Tomorrow at 1:30 on TNT.

Iraq soccer

They beat the Aussies today 1-0. Think they'll make it to the gold medal round? I hope so.

Scam

Got this from Bubba. This happened in Knoxville, Tennessee, but it could happen anywhere. Pay attention:

On the same note as the consumer notice from Mrs. Bubba, I thought I might share this with you. I think this is a scam that is active here in the area, but no one seems to be interested in following up. I've contacted Don Dare at Channel 6 and Shirley Nash-Pitts at Channel 8. At least I got an acknowledgement from Ms. Nash-Pitts, but other than that, nothing. I'm being ignored by the KPD, the store where this occurred and the media. So, I've decided to tell my story in every possible opportunity.

On July 28, 2004 at approximately 6:15 p.m. my AmSouth check card was intentionally switched by the clerk at [a convenience store on] Kingston Pike (I was the only person other than the clerk in the store). I made a transaction and was given an AmSouth check card that was identical to my own (except for the name). Unfortunately, I did not notice that the name was different until I tried to make an ATM transaction the next day. I immediately notified the bank, but the suspect or co-conspirators had already charged approximately $3,800 in merchandise fraudulently to my checking account. They used the card at the [convenience store], Wal-Mart, Bi-Lo, Pilot and Texaco.

I have been working with Jim Quick of the KPD, but the investigation seems to be moving very slowly. I took it upon myself to call the headquarters of [convenience store] located in Cleveland, TN. I have been told that I need to speak with "Tom" the District Manager in order to obtain the video surveillance tapes and copies of the fraudulent charge slips. However, I have left several messages for Tom, beginning on Monday, August 2nd. All of my calls have gone unreturned. In addition, I sent a letter via FedEx to the corporate office on August 4th and have yet to get a response.

Investigator Quick spoke to the lady whose card I was given. He informed me that she too lost her card at the [convenience store] on Kingston Pike about a month ago. It is very possible that those who did this are using my card to defraud someone else.

Fortunately, Visa will cover the charges to my checking account. However, I have spent a great amount of time trying to make sure this does not happen to someone else.

Might be a good practice to make sure you have the correct card when you get it back from the thieving clerk.

Kudos

To my dear friend Ben. He won a contest for this photo:

Little Friday

The Mrs. worked form home today and she's gonna again tomorrow too. Yay!!!

Wow!

The German girls beat the Brazilians in beach volleyball. Go figure. My family in Germany must be going nuts. I expect an email from my cousin shortly.

I hate it

I hate my fucking server. Crashed again this morning and I've been re-setting it up since 3:30 this morning. When I get back from London I'm gonna take the fucking thing and throw it out the window.

Iraqi soccer,revisited

They're playing Morocco and just started the 2nd half. Score: 0-0.

Update: 14:50:

Iraq scores in the 63rd minute. Score 1-0 Iraq!

Update: 15:00:

Morocco scores on a penalty kick in the 68th minute. Score 1-1.

Update: 15:05:

Morocco scores in the 76th minute. Score 2-1 Morocco.

Update: 15:20:

Well Iraq lost 2-1, but they still advance to the quarter finals on Saturday. Good for them. These guys play with heart and after all they've been through, they deserve to get as far as they can.

Good luck, boys. Insh, Allah.

Reservations

Just made all the limo reservations for our trip. That was the last of the logistics to be taken care of (aside from packing everything required to make the Mrs. a happy woman for 2 weeks). All I have to do is drop off the dog the day we leave and we're off. Yay!! Now I can relax.

The new Blogger bar

Wanna get rid of the fucking thing? Go here and look in the 'comment' section for the tags.

Nice of them to say something

Have I said recently how much I hate the MTA? Dropped the Mrs. off at the station this morning and she noticed there were a lot of people on the platform for 5 am. Then we chalked it up to it being Wednesday, when all the Broadway shows have matinees, and everybody has to bring their miserable rugrats into the city. Fine.

I get halfway home and my cell phone rings. I pull over and answer. It's the Mrs. The train didn't come on time so she called the MTA info number. They told her there was a track fire and trains would be sporadic. Ya think they could make announcements at the station so folks who really have to get in on time could make other arrangements? Nah. She just called and a train finally came, 20 minutes late. Great way to start the day.

Iraqi soccer, again

Ha! They beat the Costa Ricans. That means they're in the quarter finals. I'm genuinely happy for these guys.

Immigration news

Cross posted from TAB:

Immigration News

Dogs

You know I'm a dog lover and so's the Mrs. So, naturally I got a problem with a lot of folks who own dogs. Listen to me, please.

Don't get a fucking dog for stupid reasons. No, you're not going to breed the fucking thing. Just because you see how much puppies are going for, doesn't mean it's a 'get rich quick' scheme, you stupid motherfuckers. Being a breeder is hard work and you sure as hell don't know what the fuck you're doing. It's like never having popped the hood on a car, yet you suddenly feel you're qualified to open an auto repair shop. All you're gonna do is end up with a bunch of unwanted puppies. Here, I'll do you a favor. Google 'dog breeders' and send an email to five of them asking what the business entails. Then tell me you want to be a breeder. Did you know 3 million dogs and cats are put down every year because they're not wanted? Don't add to the fucking problem, dickhead.

Next, don't get a fucking Rottweiler, Doberman, Pit Bull, etc, as a penis extension, you idiot. Just like the sports car, you're only gonna be a little wiener with a bad dog. I see too many folks like this who want the dog as a status symbol and don't want to make the commitment to training and medical care. Moron, a dog is a twelve to fifteen year commitment on your part. It's just like having a kid. But hey, people have kids for the same stupid reasons. Think long and hard about it, please. (Kid or a dog, it doesn't matter. Be sure you want to make the commitment before you jump in with both feet. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should, ass.)

Next, if you're a compulsive person, and you see a cute little dog and you gotta have one, buy jewlery instead. At least you can hock it if you need the bead at a later date. Ain't nobody gonna buy a used dog, moron.

If you do decide to get a dog, do breed research. Every breed has their own traits (I wrote about my dog's foibles here.), so you have to see what will go best with you're lifestyle. If you're laid back and not into doing much training, a dog that requires a firm hand (Dobies, Rotties) ain't for you. Think Lab or Golden. Same thing if you got rugrats running around your house. All my friends' kids know not to run through my house because my Cattle Dog will try to herd them all back into one room:

Another thing is the dog, Mrs. F's little princess. She's short, but not little, muscular and strong as hell. If you know anything about Australian Cattle Dogs, they are smart, independent, and stubborn, sorta like me. Well, thanks to their breeding, Cattle Dogs herd cattle by nipping at their ankles to get them to go where the dog wants. Well, since our little Shayna has no cattle to work, she finds herself little jobs. One is getting us to the phone when it rings. If you've ever gotten a nip in the ass from one of these dogs well . . . let's just say it leaves a mark.

My point is that the dog looks at little kids as cattle. She tries to keep them together and won't let them run around. So today, not only do I have to keep an eye on the Mrs.' breakable shit, but I have to watch her little varmint like a hawk so she doesn't nip one of the kids. Can't break the dog of that habit, it's instinct.

If your kid gets nipped in the ankle by an Australian Cattle Dog, you're gonna have a lot of crying on your hands, trust me. If you're gonna get a mutt, use this rule of thumb. A mutt will generally act like the breed it most closely resembles.

My point is that if you're gonna get a dog, do it for the right reasons. Don't have big plans until you see what kind of dog you have, it's personality and it's traits. Get a dog because you want a pet and a companion. Anything else that flows from there is gravy.

Heed my words, Lugnut.

Another funny

From Mrs. F:

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag

attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless America!

Military surplus

I've been using these guys for years, and I really should put a link up.

Armed Forces Merchandise Outlet
2600 W. Mockingbird Ln.
Dallas, TX 75235
1-800-282-3327
info@afmo.com

These guys supply the military and all their shit is top quality. Their customer service is fantastic too. Use 'em.

A little writing

I started Creativity just to fuck around with my CSS and HTML skills. I also posted a few excerpts from my books just so I had some content. If you're interested, click here. Otherwise it's nothing else but drivel.

About fucking time

Via Jim Hightower's Weblog:

When Ford released its new hybrid vehicle last week, some environmental groups jeered. But some, including the Sierra Club and others, adopted the positive reinforcement strategy—noting that Ford needs to do more, but applauding the hybrid as a step toward weaning America off its oil habit. Here, Rickert of the Apollo Alliance, argues the new Ford product shows practices that benefit the environment can also benefit workers.

[. . .]

Last week, an American company made history. The Ford Motor Company rolled out its first-ever hybrid vehicle—the Ford Escape Hybrid SUV. The release of the Ford Escape marks the first hybrid vehicle made in America for the American consumer market. It is also the first hybrid in the popular small SUV market.

The production of the Ford Escape signals a narrowing divide in the jobs-versus-environment debate. While some environmentalists rightly point out that Ford still has far to go to improve the fuel efficiency of its fleet, the Escape is without a doubt a step in the right direction. And, as the first hybrid vehicle produced by unionized workers in the United States, the Escape proves that investment in a cleaner environment can create good jobs—jobs with family- supporting wages and benefits like health insurance and pensions.

The nation finds itself at the nexus of a number of crises tied to jobs and oil. American workers face the outsourcing of good manufacturing jobs; a persistent gas and oil crisis has resulted in high prices at the pump; the economy's growth has been slowed by both of these. All this comes against the backdrop of a war whose costs mount daily—both in dollars and the lives of American soldiers and contractors.

The Ford Escape represents the kind of investment that will help the American economy balance its growing energy demand with its environmental responsibilities. The Escape Hybrid will achieve 30 to 36 miles per gallon, or more than a 50 percent improvement over the standard Escape. It will also have extremely low emissions, achieving the California Advanced Technology Partially Zero Emission Vehicle (AT-PZEV) standard.

[. . .]

Go read the entire post.

Come on, you goddamn tree-huggers, buy more of these things so they'll make them better (read-more powerful), and then I'll buy one. As for me, I'm sorry but I'm a relic. I'll give up my V-8 internal combustion engine when they pry it from my cold dead hands. No I'm not an NRA member. Don't worry, I'll be dead soon enough.

They sprung her

They're letting my mother-in-law out the hospital today and the Mrs. went to pick her up. So, that leaves me to sit home and blogsturbate. I own that word, by the way, and I expect credit when you use it.

NASCAR at Watkins Glen today. Should be good if you like accidents. The remnants of Hurricane Charley passed over NY during the night and the track should be green and slippery. Wait until one of them runs off the track and into the sand . . . er, mud traps. That should be a laugh.

Later.

Cutlery

We're watching the Olympics . . . badminton. But that's not the point. Mrs. F. flips through the home shopping channels during the commercials. She never buys anything, but my wife is a professional shopper. Where others will break at the word 'sale' my wife will find the same thing somewhere (usually the Big Three; Kohls, Marshalls, TJ Maxx) for half of somebody else's sale price. But I digress.

One one of these stations, they were selling 'cutlery', steak knife sets and shit, but they were also selling swords. The Mrs. was amazed at how easily these things are to buy. I'm just happy they ain't selling rifles. Could you imagine?

Git this new Winchester repeatin' rahfle for only fahr-nanty-nan'.
Git it today wit' Val-U-Pay, sev'nty two payments on yer credit card. And
today only on the Gun Show Channel, no background check. By
golly, y'all kin be Ted Bundy and we don't care, we'll even throw in fahve
hunnert rounds of full metal jacketed, 150 grain, Manstoppers feh-ree if y'all
order in the next ten minutes. Son, Ah don' care if you is in Meridian,
Mississippi or Noo York, we'll ship this baby out to ya overnight and no extree
charge.

Incredible. They'll sell any-fucking thing to any-fucking-body nowadays. Yeesh.

Ha!

I don't know if you get those commercials where you are. You know, the ones with Erik Estrada selling cheap real estate in Florida and Arkansas? They're on early in the morning, when the Mrs. and I wake up.

Anyway, Ol' Ponch is hawking cheap land. Guess where? Port Charlotte and North Port, Florida. Guess where Hurricane Charley made landfall? Wonder how cheap that land is now, huh? Since I heard about where the storm went 'feet-dry', one line from the commercials sticks with me:

"If you like what you see, and I know that you will . . ."

Yeah, Erik, that big pile o' mobile homes really makes the neighborhood.

Update: 15:30

If you're seriously interested in what happened to specific areas from the storm, South Knox Bubba has links to local news sources here.

Awright!

The Mrs. will be home in a couple hours and I'm a happy camper. And it's FRIDAY! Yay! Too bad the weather's shitty. I have to go to the dry cleaners, but I'm supremely unmotivated to go out in this fucking rain. Bad enough I gotta drive to the airport during rush hour, but that's for a good cause, I don't want to do it twice. So, I'm a bum. I'll be more motivated in the morning.

Update: 14:15:

The Mrs. called from Cincinnati(yes, Charlotte to New York via Cincy). Everything's right on schedule. Yay!

Oh, and I am still looking for a guest blogger over at The Alternate Brain. Leave a message in comments here, or there, if you're interested. Or email me if you want. It's only for the first two weeks in September.

Just because it sounds funny:

"I am a Gay-American." -NJ Governor Jim McGreevey.

So what, I'm a happy idiot.

Update: 18:45:

The Mrs. is home, safe and sound. Yay!

Julia Child dead at 91

Thank God she was one of Mrs. F's idols. I never ate so well before I met her.

Update: 19:10:

The best statement I've seen. From Kevin Hayden at The American Street:

She was one of a kind. And maybe we'll get a break from the madness and pain now because God can finally eat well.

Watkins Glen

Yawn. NASCAR's at Watkins Glen on Sunday. I hate road races. These nitwits spend all their time turning left, and when you throw 'em a couple rights they don't know what do do. If you like carnage, this shouldn't disappoint.

Friday the 13th

Hey, all you superstitious nitwits. Are you cowering in the corner yet? In the fetal position, sucking your thumb? Grow up and get over it. As the song says: "It's just another day."

Listen, nitwit

All you clowns who are told to evacuate the storm areas? Listen to the fucking warnings and leave. I'm watching the news and you see the inevitable old geezer saying, 'lived here for ninety years and I ain't leavin'''. Have a nice funeral, dickhead. Man, I was on a detail to Altus AFB, Oklahoma to help them clean up after a tornado. Lemmie tell you what. The day you see an Air Force C-5 (2nd biggest plane in the world) that the wind picked up, carried a hundred yards (over two other C-5s) and set down on top of another, is the day you realize the extent of Mother Nature's fury. Listen to me. GET THE FUCK OUT!!! It's only stuff, it ain't worth risking your life for. Pack up the wife, the kids, and the pets, and get the fuck out. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Signs

Seen on the local news. A sign held by a McGreevey supporter outside the State House in Trenton.

"McGreevey-You go girl!"

Kindred spirit

From The Farmer at Corrente:

Looks like me after a long night of partying.

Gratuitous pictures

Just like womens' volleyball, I like womens' gymnastics too:



Courtesy: ABC News

That's about all I like about the Summer Olympics. Oh, and womens' swimming.

Yawn

I'm done. My fucking eyeballs are gonna fall out my damn head from looking at computers for 21 of the last 27 hours. But everything is running like a finely tuned hotrod. It's my anal German side. The Mrs. will be home tomorrow and I can't wait. Been sleeping next to her for fifteen years and it's just not the same when she's not here. I miss ya, baby.

Pleasant dreams.

Damn it

I'm just cleaning up my pile o' CDs and I realized I got 4 more disks I haven't loaded. Shit. Just watching the Iraq-Portugal soccer game on MSNBC. The Iraqis are showing themselves well, although I hate soccer. After all the shit these guys (the Iraqis) have had to put up with (Saddam and his son, us), it's god to see them hold their own. This might go more toward winning hearts and minds than anything we can do to 'em. BTW, I have yet to see Womens' Volleyball, dammit.

Update: 14:45:

Iraq scores in the 56th minute. Now 3-2 Iraq.

Update: 15:20:

Iraq scores in Penalty Time. 4-2 Iraq.

Update 15:25:

Iraq wins! 4-2. Good for them, dammit.

One of the better soccer games I've seen in a long time.

Dance of Joy!!!!

Yay, my network's back up and shit's running smoothly, I think. I should have gone into computers or something. But, like I say, I can fix anything from lawnmowers to jets, and everything in between.

I'm annoyed

My server for my home network crashed today. Fortunately, I have internet access, however my network in the house is down, so the computers can't talk to one another. Wonderful. Spent the afternoon reinstalling software so hardly any blogging today. Mrs. F is also leaving for Charlotte tomorrow morning so we're running around like idiots. Oy. More tomorrow.

Pleasant dreams.

Women's Beach Volleyball

The Olympics are on today. Women's Beach Volleyball. Now I give a shit who wins or loses, but there are worse sources of background chatter than four physically-fit women jumping around on the beach, making orgasmic noises every time they hit the ball. Of course the Women's Gymnastics is good for that too.




Courtesy of: Estero Beach Volleyball

How did you know?

There's something to be said about a woman who can sodomize a magnum of champagne . . . big end first. But I got one question. How did you know you could do this? I mean, what was the impetus to get you saying to yourself, 'self, I think it would be good idea to see if I can shove a champagne bottle up my ass . . . backwards'. I mean, I'm sure she could corner some niche market in the Internet porno world, probably make big bucks . . . And then what did she do, run out and grab a friend and say, 'look what I can do, take my picture'? I don't know if I want my friends knowing I could do that. Ah, I just don't get it.

Note: A friend sent me a picture of the aforementioned acts. And I was gonna post it, but I figure discretion is the better part of valor.

A warning

To the asshole who was shitty to my wife on the train last night. Be damn glad I wasn't with her or I would have tossed you out at 70 miles an hour, you drunk motherfucker. You'd better hope she doesn't ever point you out to me because I'll give you an attitude adjustment you'll never forget. Asshole.

Note: To men who think the rise of feminism gives you the right to be a dick. Be a man and give up your seat for pregnant women and old ladies. This has nothing to do with the asshole and my wife, but while I'm on the subject of assholes . . .

I see too many guys, able-bodies assholes all, make a woman stand while they're sprwaled out in a seat. It doesn't make you any less of a man to give a woman a seat, or hold a door for her, you mannerless cretins. Newsflash, it ain't your world. NYPD and NYFD officers; are you listening? You're the nitwits who are supposed to set the example. And by the way, also while I'm at it, aren't you guys supposed to be in uniform or showing your badge when you ride the train? I mean, that's why you ride free instead of paying $3500 a year for your fucking ticket like the rest of us, right?

Amazing

Believe it or not, a Republican sent this to the Mrs.:

How to take a shower - Woman vs. Man

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror... make mental note to do more sit -ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes...
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake weiner at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your weiner and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire weiner size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake weiner at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Indeed!

Vat?

Mrs. F: What kind of computer is this? Spell check doesn't understand 'mazeltov'?

The Fixer: It doesn't have Windows 5756.

Ha! I thought it was funny.

I (heart) NY . . . NOT

Okay, so some stupid Brownie (NYC traffic cop) couldn't write and put my license plate number on a ticket for an '89 Nissan Maxima double parked on Avenue D in Brooklyn. I get a letter the other day from the NYC Parking Violations Bureau, saying they were gonna bend me over and take a $125 fine out my ass. Now, my truck's never been in Brooklyn let alone on Avenue D, so the Mrs. calls PVB and explains the situation. They tell her to go to the local office right near where she works and show them my registration and it'll be all cleared up, right? Well, she just called me that she's still in line. Been there since 3:30 and it's now 5:15. Martini night for sure.

Update: 17:30:

The Mrs. just called. The ticket's dismissed and she was heading to the Subway. God bless our civil servants, they hurried up because the office was due to close at 6.

Yay, revisited

More details on my book deal:

It'll be released (tentatively) August '05 through Port Town Publishing. Titled Birthright. More as I get it.

And remember, political blogging at The Alternate Brain day and night. I'm also looking for a guest blogger there. Details here.

Where were you

When the shit hit the fan?

Chicago-AP, August 10, 2004) — A nice day on the Chicago River suddenly turned foul when black, smelly gunk landed on tourists.

"I can only presume that perhaps it's human waste. There was a very strong smell to it," said Anita Pedersen, spokeswoman for the tour boat company.

Witnesses on the Chicago's Little Lady architecture tour Sunday saw a large black tour bus dumping liquid waste as their boat cruised under a bridge, Pedersen said. More than 100 passengers were on the boat when the waste poured onto the upper, open deck.

Pedersen said some boat passengers wrote down partial license plate numbers of the bus.

A spokesman said police were investigating. The Illinois Environmental Protection Agency and the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District of Greater Chicago also were investigating the matter, said Illinois EPA spokesman Rob Sulski.

Pedersen said the passengers got refunds.

(Copyright © 2004 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Yeah, I know. I'm infantile, but toilet humor still cracks me up.

I'm hip

From

It's a billboard in Australia for suntan lotion.

Fay Wray

The only dialog I remember is:

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Seemed that's all she did during the whole King Kong movie.

Guest Blogger(s)

I'm looking for a guest blogger over at The Alternate Brain while I'm in London for two weeks in September.

Details here.

Bed liners

I've owned several pickup trucks over the past 30 years. From a '67 GMC stepside to my current ones, a dual rear wheel F-350 (my next hotrod project) and my new Ranger Edge. Now, I've refrained from tossing anything in the back of my Ranger because I have yet to purchase a bed liner. Over the years I've tried all kinds, the drop in types, the mats, but this time I'm going the spray on route. I've settled on the Rhino Linings product and I'll get it installed after we come back from London. I'll let you know how it works out.

Today

I'm off for 2 weeks and I still get up at 4 a.m. Oy!!! Mrs. F has the day off. Her mother is undergoing surgery today and my wife wants to be there. While my mother-in-law and I have issues [which will NEVER be discussed here] I hope everything goes well and there are no complications.

Update: 07:00:

Well, I had planned to be at Home Depot around 6, but that got screwed to Hell because two nitwits in a hurry to get to work on a Monday had to wreck in front of my house. The cops have everything closed down and I couldn't get out of the driveway. Oy!!! I'll go later, once rush hour is over.

Update: 13:30:

My wife called and her mother pulled through the surgery A-Ok.

Brickyard

NASCAR is at Indianapolis Motor Speedway today on NBC. Should be a good race, just because of the ghosts that inhabit the place. Let's hope somebody other than Jeff Gordon or Jimmy Johnson wins.

Update 06:00 Monday:

Who won? Jeff Gordon, that whiny bitch. So why is it Jimmie Johnson's motor went to shit but Jeff's stayed together? Both butt-buddies use the same motor. Good for Dale Jarrett and Elliot Sadler. Good to see some Ford boys up there.

Yay!

Been trying to sell my science fiction manuscripts for some time now. Got this about an hour ago:

[. . .]

I found the manuscript intriguing and thoroughly enjoyable (I'm a romance writer -- what can I say) and we would be honored to offer a contract for publication -- if the manuscript is still available. At this time, I've slated it in for an August, 2005 release. Luckily, the manuscript needs very little work. In fact, if you give it another thorough read for typos, it may be able to go to print "as is." Honestly, this is the first time I've been able to say that. You did a wonderful job and should be commended.

[. . .]

I'm a happy camper. I'll give out all the details when the contracts are signed. Yay!!!

THIS is breaking news?

------------------------------------------------------
MSNBC Breaking News
------------------------------------------------------

Funk singer Rick James dies -
James, 56, died in Los Angeles, apparently of natural causes.

Nobody did funk like George Clinton. I know Rick James had one big tune, but I was nothing but a rock and roller back then and wasn't paying attention. Oh well . . .

I'm off!!!!!

Got out at 12:30 today and now I'm off for 2 weeks. Mrs. F got a honey-do list, but that's cool. I don't have to fix cars! I'm a happy camper. It would be nice if the Mrs. got out early but that's not to be. Feels like a martini night.

Later.

Remember, political blogging at TAB all the time.

I'm so glad I'm a guy

I say that to Mrs. F all the time. My thing is that a guy was born with all the toys he ever needs. Anything else he acquires during his life is gravy. I also think it's great that I can write my name in the snow and dot the 'i'. The Mrs. sent me this:

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER CREATURES

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. (Car mechanics will lie to ANYONE. Trust me.)
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $ 2000; tux rental - $100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

Now I'm really glad I'm a guy. Just one thing I'm jealous of though. In order for me to fake an orgasm, I'd need a special effects guy standing by.

Breasts

One of our customers was in today, showing off her new tits. It's not like she bared them, but there was no mistaking her 'enhancement'. Of course, I see this as a good time to add my 2 cents on a subject near and dear to my heart.

Personally, I don't like fake ones. Man, I don't care if they come down to your belt buckle, or just sort of hang there, I like the real thing. But then, I don't like fake anything on a woman. Big, small, in between, to me it's the biggest turn off to see a woman my age (mid-40s) go from an A to a D-cup and have them show up 5 minutes before she does. Honey, if that's how you plan to get a guy, you either A) have the personality of a dial tone or B) are trying to attract the wrong kind of guy. Oh, and by the way, if you're my age, gravity has probably taken over other parts of your body too. Remember that when you're deciding whether you want to have the tits of a 20 year old. You still have the ass of a 45 year old. It's like the old guy with the little red sports car, it looks ridiculous.

Oh yeah!

I wake up a couple hours ago and it 65 and breezy in New York. The weather nitwit says it's gonna be like this all day. Yeah! This should turn out to be our busiest day of the week, glad it will be comfortable at least.

Now, you know how I don't hesitate in the slightest to call somebody a fucking asshole. I call 'em as I see 'em. So today, I'm calling myself a fucking asshole. Yesterday we went to the tailor to pick up my shit. Details after work, but my point is that we took Mrs. F's Explorer instead of my little truck. No room to hang shit in my Ranger. Anyway, I noticed that the inspection on the Explorer will come due while we're gone and it's due for a service. After all the bitching I did about our idiot customers remembering they need shit done last minute, I go and do the same thing. Guess what, the Indian's inspection is due too. Two more fucking assholes to add to the crowd. I'm off.

Later.

Shoot me

Mrs. F's on the early-early train and I'm beat. Got some stuff up at TAB if you want more of my drivel. Gotta go to the tailor and pick up my suits. Guess what? The Mrs. found out from the tailor what to look for to see if pants can be let out (I'm getting old, fat, and ugly) so I gotta bring two pairs of suit pants tonight and have them let out. Big fun on top of trying on two suits until the Mrs. is satisfied. So I'm hitting the showers.

Pleasant dreams.

Bob Murphy dies

Man, I grew up with Bob, Ralph Kiner, and Lindsey Nelson calling the Mets' games. Only Kiner's left and I think he's dead, just too loaded to fall down. Rest in peace, Murph.

A month

My political blog, The Alternate Brain, is a month old tomorrow. BOTFOJ.

To the showers

I'm tired and Mrs. F's little varmit dragged me around after the orange cat that lives next door. Something to see, me flying like a kite behind the dog as she drags me this way and that after her arch enemy. They have a black and white cat too, but the orange one likes to torment my dog when she's in her kennel. The cat comes over and finds a nice patch of sun in which to clean herself about 20 feet from the fence. Drives the fucking dog insane. The dog barks incessantly and runs back and forth along the fence as long as the fucking cat's there. So I'll run with her after the orange cat. If Mrs. F would let me have firearms, I'd get a BB gun and plink the cat in the ass to chase her off, but that's another story. I'm off to the showers and then to pick up the Mrs.

Pleasant dreams.

The Monster:

Another question

For the guys. If you didn't know me and had your car in for service, and I intimated that at one time I'd been intimate with your wife, wouldn't you call me on it? I know some asshole does that to me, I'm gonna put him on his ass.

Guy brings a car in to the shop next door to us. I was this guy's neighbor for a couple years but I haven't seen him in about eight. I walked next door and I saw him and I nodded and said 'how're you doing'. He made like he didn't remember me. That's cool, when I lived next to him, my hair went down to the middle of my back and I had a ZZ Top beard. So I did what I needed to with the shop owner and walked past the guy on my way out. All I said was, "when you go home, say hi to (his wife's name) for me."

He looked like he'd shit himself, but he didn't say a word and I kept walking. I never liked him or his wife. Let me just say, for the record, that I never had sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, er, uh, yeah. I didn't, but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in his house tonight.

Come on, Friday

It can't come too soon. It's only Tuesday and I feel like I've worked a whole week. We're booked straight through until Thursday evening, every minute accounted for. We got nothing in the book for Friday so we can get out any problem children that day. After Friday, I'll be off 4 weeks out of the next 5. Yeah, that's what's keeping me going.

Later.

NASCAR

Lotta empty seats at Pocono yesterday. This whole Nextel sponsorship of the Cup Series is bad for the sport and it shows in the attendance figures. A buddy of mine and the Indian's went to the race and he said a good portion of the seats had no butts in them and the infield was pretty empty too. Is it me, or is NASCAR cutting the Hendrick cars, namely Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon, a little more slack than everybody else? Glad to see Tony Stewart get a taste of his own medicine. He wrecked himself. Bad Kharma, man. Hope Little E's roasted nuts get better, seeing John andretti in the 8 car isn't good and we saw what Truex did to it last week. I think I'm getting disenchanted with a sport I've loved more than any other for close to 40 years. See, and it's all you militant non-smokers who've fucked it up. No cigarette sponsorships, my ass. Winston did more for the sport of stock car racing and they got shit on. Now Nextel's got it and they're acting like Bush and his people when they got to the White House. Everything that came before is bad and we know what's best. I know what's best. Bring Winston back.

Pleasant fucking dreams.

Jesus Christ

We've been telling customers for six weeks that we're closing the middle two weeks in August. Some of these people have been coming to Harry for 30 years or more and he ALWAYS closes the middle 2 weeks in August. We have a fucking sign hanging in the window and on the door telling people we'll be closed. Do you think fucking people would figure out they need an inspection or a service before TODAY? Jesus H. Christ. Ol' Dead Ed was jumping today. Every time he hung up the phone it would ring again, some nitwit wanting an appointment this week. By noon, Ed's favorite word was 'no'. The people who've been coming to us for 20 or 30 years can get away with this last minute shit. The ones who come to us because their guy can't get them in get squat. Remember, Lugnut:

Bad planning on your part doesn't make it an emergency on my part.

I'm off

The dog is being less than cooperative. Lazy varmint. I'm off to the mines. gonna be a week from Hell as we're shutting down for 2 weeks next week. Harry always closes for the middle 2 weeks of August. Everybody's gonna want their shit fixed before we leave. Oy!!!!

Later.

BTW, I'm worried about Mrs. F with the new terror threats. As always, political blogging over at The Alternate Brain.

I feel old

Via The American Street for all you Star Trek fans. Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher) just turned 32. Boy do I feel fucking old.

Pocono 2

NASCAR's back at Pocono for the 2nd race. Gonna go green in a lap or so. Don't have much hope for my boy, Rusty Wallace, but Pocono is always good. Brickyard next week.