09 June 2004


Both print and electronic are to be taken with a grain of salt when it comes to car stuff. Every time these clowns on TV or in all the hotrodding magazines tell you something is great and it's the best thing for your car, remember they are being paid for it.

I won't mention names (because they aren't worth doing 8 1/2 to 12 after I go ballistic on them when they sue me), but they populate the newsstands and the so-called men's TV cable channels. Pick one. They'll tell you your car would run better on dogshit if one of their sponsors paid them to.

And all of them have their 'project cars' that they build over five or six issues or episodes. They are paid to use all of the products involved and, most of all, to tell you to use them.

My advice is this. When it comes to hotrodding your car, check the state and local emissions laws first, before you go buying what these nitwits tell you to. You don't need to spend thousands bolting all this shit to your car to find out it won't pass an emissions test. All you'll have is an expensive shed.

Next, the rule of thumb is 'Less is More'. If you're not doing major machine work to your engine, basically keeping it stock, it can only flow so much air and fuel. Superchargers and turbos provide great power gains, but a stock engine not built for it will disassemble itself after a year. There is always a payback for bolt-on horsepower.

Yes, I can beat my little Subaru around the block and smoke the tires, but the higher cylinder pressures and temperatures increase the rate of wear exponentially. If you're engine is all aluminum, you have more to worry about. If you're not beefing up the crank, pistons and rods, you're going to have a lower end failure sooner than later, especially if you like to rev the shit out of your little four cylinder. If you're not opening your valves longer or wider, you're wasting all that extra pressurized air because you're not getting it into the cylinder fast enough before the valves close. What's the point?

Besides, unless you teach the computer to deal with the increase in pressures and volumes, you're cheating yourself again becasue the car's brain wants to make everything normal. Now that we've done all this fucking around, we run up against the wall of emissions regulations. In New York, our machine wants to know the vehicle's emissions calibration code. It also measures airflow out the exhaust at varying road speeds. Yeah, try to fool the computer legally. I'm sure as hell not breaking the law for your little piece of shit.

My point is, before you buy anything, talk to people, call a race shop or a guy who builds hotrods for a living. Those guys know what works and what doesn't. Don't want something just because you saw it on MC Fuck Me or whatever that fat brother's name is. And remember this, if anything, DO NOT HOTROD YOUR DAILY TRANSPORTATION. Always have an unfucked-with car to get you around, to go to work, to get food and beer, to get laid, whatever. If the hotrod breaks, which it will, you need a reliable backup.

Heed my words, Lugnut.

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