The Need For Speed

Good article on repairing and hopping-up computer cars from the Washington Post.

"I think making modifications is kind of like an addiction," Dan Chi said. "When you feel fast, you get used to it. You want that feeling of being even faster, of, like, the G-forces pushing you back in your seat and stuff."

"Faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death!"

I can dig it.

Using his dad's old tools, Dan was able to install a new air intake on his own. But to make the computer and hardware changes that allowed his engine to jump from nearly 300 horsepower to nearly 400, Dan sold a collection of vintage Nike sneakers for cash and paid a professional.

How come I never thought of that?

Just a question

For the powers-that-be at NASCAR. Why is it you threw a caution flag for debris with 5 laps left in the 500? Why is it you did it a half-lap after Jeff Gordon passed Little E for the lead? If you had done that in the past, we would never have had the outstanding finishes between Richard Petty and David Pearson, or A.J. Foyt and Cale Yarbrough, who would bang fenders for the last couple laps, spewing debris all over the track. This is just another in a long list of incidents where NASCAR has shown favoritism toward the Hendrick Motorsports teams over the past couple years. Don't think I'm the only fan who's been noticing.

Racing Season!!!!!!

Finally, NASCAR season kicks off today with the Daytona 500. I'm doing the Dance of Joy. My colleague the Indian is there now, been for the last week and he'll be back a week from tomorrow. I can't wait. Been working with Per Diem Boy (a guy who helps us out when we're swamped) and it ain't the same. Indian and I have been working together so long, we generally don't have to talk when we're both jobbing on the same car. Not that PDB is a bad mechanic, just the reverse, one of the best I've ever met, but it's a difference in style. Okay, so I admit it, I miss my pal. Anyway, Daytona starts at 1 Eastern on Fox.

New Yorkers

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK WHEN:

YOU'RE 35 YEARS OLD AND DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

YOU RIDE IN A SUBWAY CAR WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE SEATS AVAILABLE. YOU AND THE OTHER THREE PASSENGERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND KNOW YOU HAVE PURE GRIT.

YOU TAKE THE TRAIN HOME AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE ON THE PLATFORM THE DOORS WILL OPEN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE EXIT STAIRWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT A "REGULAR" COFFEE IS.

IT'S NOT MANHATTAN; IT'S THE "CITY".

YOU GET UPSET THAT A CABBIE IS OBEYING ALL THE RULES OF THE ROAD.

YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE IN STRANGE PEOPLE AS ROOMMATES SIMPLY TO HELP PAY THE RENT.

THERE IS NO NORTH AND SOUTH. IT'S "UPTOWN" OR "DOWNTOWN."

IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM NEW YORK YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF WHERE
NORTH AND SOUTH ARE....AND EAST OR WEST IS "CROSSTOWN."

YOU CROSS THE STREET ANYWHERE BUT ON THE CORNERS AND YOU YELL AT CARS FOR NOT RESPECTING THE FACT.

YOU MOVE 8,000 MILES AWAY, SPEND 10 YEARS LEARNING THE LOCAL LANGUAGE AND PEOPLE STILL KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN THE MINUTE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

YOU RETURN AFTER 10 YEARS AND THE FIRST FOODS YOU WANT ARE A "REAL" PIZZA AND "REAL" BAGEL.

A 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT IS LARGE.

YOUR CO-WORKER COMMUTES 45 MINUTES BY TRAIN TO A 2,000 SQUARE FOOT HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS THAT WAS THE SAME PRICE AS THAT SAME 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT OF YOURS THAT TAKES ONLY 35 MINUTES TO GET TO AND YOU THINK HE'S A SUCKER.

YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALL THE DIFFERENT RAY'S PIZZAS.

YOU ARE NOT UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT ANY HUMAN BEING WOULD BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND A P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE SUBWAY.

YOU HAVE AT LEAST 50 MENUS IN YOUR APARTMENT, TWO THIRDS OF WHICH YOU HAVE NEITHER ORDERED FROM NOR EVEN HEARD OF.

YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER ORDERING PIZZA IN ANY OTHER CITY.

YOU GET READY TO ORDER DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND MUST CHOOSE FROM THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS: CHINESE, ITALIAN, MEXICAN OR INDIAN.

YOU'RE NOT IN THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN GOING TO TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.

YOUR INTERNAL CLOCK IS PERMANENTLY SET TO KNOW WHEN ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE STREET PARKING REGULATIONS ARE IN EFFECT.

YOU KNOW WHAT A BODEGA IS.

YOU KNOW HOW TO FOLD THE NEW YORK TIMES IN HALF, VERTICALLY, SO THAT YOU CAN READ IT ON THE SUBWAY OR BUS WITHOUT KNOCKING OFF OTHER PASSENGER'S HATS.

SOMEONE BUMPS INTO YOU, AND YOU CHECK FOR YOUR WALLET.

YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE NICE LADY WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HAVING A PERFECTLY NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.


YOU PAY "ONLY" $230 A MONTH TO PARK YOUR CAR.

YOU CRINGE AT HEARING PEOPLE PRONOUNCE HOUSTON ST. LIKE THE CITY IN TEXAS.

THE PRESIDENTIAL VISIT IS A MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM, NOT AN HONOR.

FILM CREWS ON YOUR BLOCK ANNOY YOU, NOT EXCITE YOU. (THEY TAKE UP ALL THE PARKING SPACES!)

YOU CAN NAP ON THE SUBWAY AND NEVER MISS YOUR STOP.

THE DELI GUY GIVES YOU A STRAW WITH ANY BEVERAGE YOU BUY, EVEN IF IT'S BEER.

THAT'S NEW YORK, BABY! YOU GOTTA LOVE IT.

I'm not an idiot

I know some people would disagree, but when it comes to cars, it's best if you do what I tell you. Case in point: Intermittent problems.

These are things that go wrong with your car whenever they damn well please, but will go away for an indeterminate amount of time. In today's computer-controlled cars, shit like that happens. These are the hardest things to diagnose; the things that I can't make happen when I want them to. If you tell me your car bucks like a rodeo horse every time you go uphill it's one thing. I can take it for a road test and feel what it's doing and troubleshoot it.

If your car, once every couple weeks or a month, decides to spit and fart for 10 seconds as you're driving down the highway, that's another. If I can't find something stored in the vehicle's computer, or recreate the condition, there ain't much I can do. This is when people look at me like I'm an idiot when I tell them to drive it until it happens on a regular basis, or under the same conditions (weather, road, speed), and then bring it back. "Don't you know what it is?" They ask me.

Now, here I have two options. I can tell you the truth. "Not really. I checked a few things that might cause the condition, but I can't find anything out of order."

Or lie. "It's a computer problem. Leave it and I'll call you when it's done."

I'd rather tell the truth than throw parts at a car (usually at great cost to the customer), and have it not fix the problem. This doesn't satisfy people for some reason. They want to spend money. Fine, take it to somebody else. Some do and it isn't long before the same car is back for the same problem. This time it began happening regularly and I was able to diagnose it. Thing is, even though they don't tell me they took it to somebody else, I look under the hood and see new spark plug wires, spark plugs, filters, every fucking sensor on the engine, and belts. They took it to somebody who told them a lie, soaked them for hundreds, if not a grand or more, and still didn't fix the problem.

So, if you have a problem that comes and goes, without a discernable cause, and your mechanic says he can't find it right away, don't look at him as if he's a moron, or run to somebody else. Consider it a good sign that you have an honest guy.

Note: This shouldn't be applied to safety problems. As in, every so often my car swerves wildly to either side. There's something seriously wrong and your mechanic should be able to diagnose it easily. This is for stupid shit, like the radio not working at odd times, or the heater shutting off, a spit and a fart once in a while, shit like that. Brakes, lights, tires, and steering are all critical and should be attended to as soon as you notice a problem. If you do regular maintenance at a reputable shop (oil change and service EVERY 3000 MILES), your guy should catch little problems before they turn into big ones.

Orale, Nice Short, Man!

Nice article in the LATimes about the Bentley Continental GT.

Who could be more disenchanted with cars than the men who work at the carwash at the corner of Sunset and Alvarado? But when I pull the Bentley in, the workers eagerly scrimmage for positions around it. These are guys who are standing in rubber boots half filled with cold, soapy water, whose hands must hurt from the biting detergent. Why are they so happy to see me?

The crew foreman scoffs at the Lexus waiting in line. "This is a true car," he says in Spanish.

When (not "if") I hit the lottery, I'm gonna have a 4WD Bentley pickup. No Rolls for me, too ostentatious and uppity.

Dogs

I just got these words of wisdom by e-mail from Mrs. G and thought I'd share:

1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

2) Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

4) There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams

5) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings

6) We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

7) Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud

8) I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner

9) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

10) Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

11) Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

12) If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown

13) My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein

14) Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

15) Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

16) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

17) Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

18) If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

19) Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

20) If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. -Phil Pastoret

21) My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am. ~ an OleHoss

Ouch!

From Sadly, No!:

LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

[. . .]

Family viewing

No tits or ass or foul language . . . at least on the humans' part. The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is coming to Madison Square Garden next week. Monday and Tuesday on USA Network. These are the best of the best and a showcase of some beautiful animals. As always, we'll be rooting for the Australian Cattle Dog for Group Winner. Best in Show is far too much to hope for in such an obscure breed.

Also, this Saturday evening at 8, the NASCAR season begins unofficially. The Bud Shootout marks the beginning of Speedweeks for the big cars (Nextel Cup), leading up to Daytona on 20 Feb.

Retro

I feel a little guilty after the post on the pavement-wrinkler (below), so to balance it out here's the goods on the classically-styled (that's a fancy way of saying it's the latest update of a bike that's been built continuously since 1955), Indian-manufactured, not-legal-in-California Royal Enfield.

Some of us old farts still like single-cylinder, pushrod-engined motorbikes. It's about a quarter the cost of the Triumph as well. Just don't be in a hurry. I'm not sure how much the brakes and lights have been upgraded.

Update: I didn't notice when I posted it, but the first link is not the "latest update" on this model, but a '00 model. Shows you how much it matters.

No Substitute for Cubic Inches....

If you like big, fast motorcycles and subscribe to the theory that "wretched excess is barely enough", go see the Triumph Rocket III.

Secondly, a large handful is going to have you thinking you have inadvertently hitched a ride on the Space Shuttle during takeoff, however, and you better be hanging on. Producing 147 lb-ft of torque at 2500 rpm and 140 bhp at 5,750 rpm, you are in for a wild ride. As the approaching landscape goes into some sort of manic fast-forward and your stomach internals attempt to wrap themselves around your spine, the Rocket III just keeps feeling as if it is never going to run out of power.

Awesome. It sounds like this monster will just ravel the road up in a cloud of blue smoke and burning rubber and bring your destination to you. I want one.

Honda's New Pickup

Since Honda makes every kind of power product from nose-hair trimmers on up it's about time they came out with a pickup. This article in the LATimes tells about it and has some sociological comment as well.

You might think "Honda" and "pickup" go together like "Bill O'Reilly" and "perfect gentleman," but company execs argue that it has a long history in the light-truck market.

What does it all add up to? A blue-state pickup. The portage duty the Ridgeline is assigned isn't cement, or table saws or lumber (though a 48-inch piece of plywood will sit flat on the bed floor). It's motorcycles and ATVs and climbing gear, the bric-a-brac of affluent leisure. It can't pull a road-grader up a hill but it can haul a 22-foot boat up the ramp at Lake Shasta.

Sounds like a good rig if that's your cup of tea.

Here's something I learned years ago from the President of Triumph Motorcycles America who had been the sales manager at American Honda:

The Honda Corporate Meal Prayer

Hondas are good.
They're fast and they're neat.
The more Hondas we sell,
The more food we can eat.

Look in American garages, boys. Eat hearty.